2025-12-21

I wanna keep this a running post on how I ultimately write a theoretical paper. Writing such a paper is my sticking point; I feel it’s hard for me and seeing others being able to do it makes me insecure. I sit with them in the same room and I see I don’t have anything intelligence wise less than them, yet I’m hopeless to even understand their papers. I also feel like life doesn’t help me in this regard either; I’m surrounded with people that don’t have enough background and motive to understand their intuitions, at the same time insist on what they feel and persist on their gut feeling that is ungrounded and obviously to me wrong.

For example of one my insecurities I can point out to Bo Dai’s or Amin Rakhsha’s publications; elite and elegant. I see them as humans and I see that I’m a human too but unable to do what they do, in spite of the fact that I want to.

I dunno. There is a voice in my head that says don’t give up; maybe the journey has to be exactly like this; maybe it doesn’t matter that you’ll fail eventually but you tried; maybe if yu don’t give up you’ll get there eventually. I dunno, I’ll put what I got once in a while here till that paper is published or life made me abandon my yearning. I just know that I won’t be regretful of not trying.

Sorry (to myself and God for sure) for venting! It was all I could do today. I really tried to brainstorm, be precise and formal but I failed today. There went nothing. Maybe venting could be a good coping mechanism. Let the time reveal.